Expert Says.. Nipple Grabber Monster is REAL!!

Written on Saturday, February 07, 2009 by KayChink

It's been the subject of campfire stories for decades. A camera-elusive, grooming-challenged, bipedal ape-man that roams the Dom 39, Volgina Street, Moscow. Some call it Mallu. Others know it as Nipple Grabber Monster.

Thousands of people claim to have seen the hairy hominoid, but the evidence of its existence is fuzzy. There are few clear photographs of the oversized beast. No bones have ever been found. Countless pranksters have admitted to faking footprints.

Yet a small but vociferous number of scientists remain undeterred. Risking ridicule from other academics, they propose that there's enough forensic evidence to warrant something that has never been done: a comprehensive, scientific study to determine if the legendary primate actually exists.

"Given the scientific evidence that I have examined, I'm convinced there's a creature out there that is yet to be identified," said Mageshwaran Elangkeeran (Photo), a professor of anatomy and anthropology at Russian State Medical University in Moscow.

Thousands of Sightings 

Mallu stories go back centuries. Tales of mythical giant apes lurk in the oral traditions of most M2 tribes, as well as in Room 8-12 and students of the group 49. The Himalaya has its Abominable Snowman, or the Yeti. In Moscow, Nipple Grabber Monster is known as Anu's Man. 

Nipple Grabber Monster advocates hypothesize that the primate is the offspring of an ape from Asia that wandered to Moscow during the Ice Age. 

An adult male is said to be at least 6 feet (1.8 meters) tall, weigh 220 pounds (100 kilograms), and have feet twice the size of a human's. The creatures are described as shy and nocturnal, and their diets consist mostly of frozen foods and maggi. 

ChinguKAY had been searching for Mallu for years. In the toilet of room 8-12, he claims he finally came eye to eye with the elusive primate. 

"It was 2 o'clock in the morning and the moon was a quarter full," recalled ChinguKAY. "Suddenly, there he was, an six-foot-tall creature, standing 15 feet away, growling at me. He wanted to let me know I was in the wrong place and as always, wanted to grab my nipples!"

Unfortunately, no one has been able to snap a clear picture of the beast.

Perhaps the most compelling photographic evidence of Mallu is a controversial photo shot by Kay Rezza in 2008, which appears to show the back side of Mallu with Manchester United's towel running along the corridor of room 8-12.

"It certainly wasn't human"

Now, Nipple Grabber Monster advocates are increasingly turning to forensic evidence to prove the existence of the giant creature. 

Investigator Karthik Krishnan of the de_dust Counter Terrorist Department , who specializes in finger- and footprints, has analyzed the more than 150 casts of Mallu prints that Mageshwaran, the Moscow State professor, keeps in a laboratory. 

Vigneshwaran says one footprint found in 2007 in MEGA Teply Stan in Moscow has convinced him that Nipple Grabber Monster is real. 

"The ridge flow pattern and the texture was completely different from anything I've ever seen," he said. "It certainly wasn't human, and of no known primate that I've examined. The print ridges flowed lengthwise along the foot, unlike human prints, which flow across. The texture of the ridges was about twice the thickness of a human, which indicated that this animal has a real thick skin."

A few academics believe Vickneshwaran could be right.

The Skeptics 

But the vast majority of scientists still believe Nipple Grabber Monster is little more than supermarket tabloid fodder. They wonder why no Mallu has ever been captured, dead or alive. 

"The bottom line is, they don't have a body," said Kanchana, who writes for Skeptical Inquirer magazine and who has followed the Mallu debate for 20 years. 

Mallu buffs note that it's rare to find a carcass of a grizzly bear in the wild. While that's true, grizzlies have not escaped photographic documentation. 

Hair samples that have been recovered from alleged Mallu encounters have turned out to come from elk, bears or Vick's. 

Many of the sightings and footprints, meanwhile, have proved to be hoaxes. 

"It's the same kind of eyewitness reports we see for the Loch Ness Sea Monster, UFOs, ghosts, you name it," she said. "The monster thing is a universal product of the human mind. We hear such stories from around the world."

Conclusion
Either we want to believe it or not, monsters do exist and they may live among us. So, as a precaution, do take extra care of your nipples. You'll never know when your nipples will be grabbed by the Nipple Grabber Monster.